My Life Lately.....

Hello my lovelies, I know I have been quiet for some time now, and I apologize for my silence.  This post is not about fashion or the usual things I know we all love.  This is a post about my struggles with depression and anxiety.  Not so fun topic, I know, but one that needs to be shared I think.

A few weeks ago, it felt like my world came crashing down around me.  I knew I was struggling for some time but I ignored it and hoped it would just all get better from a good night’s rest and maybe some retail therapy.  Plus, to be honest I didn’t recognize what was going on with me either.  It was like I was me, but in black and white.  I couldn’t seem to escape it. 

Then one day, after staying in bed for a few days, missing work and not caring about anything, I finally tried to get myself some help.  Had it not been for my amazing partner, my sister and some very good friends (THANK YOU!) who kept at me and tried to get me to see I mattered and I needed help, I do not know if I could have done it.   

A support system is invaluable when you are feeling worthless and scared.  It is very hard to believe in yourself when you think life would be better for those around you if you weren’t there.  It is a crushing feeling, this depression.  The thing is, I didn’t realize it was just the depression talking until it was too late.

I lost a very dear friend of mine a little over a year ago, and I shoved down the sadness, like I do with most of my feelings.  One of the days that I was in bed my friend’s sister contacted me and wanted to see if I would go to a remembrance party for him on the anniversary of his death.  I pretended I was fine, even chatted with her and said I would attend.  Once I was done messaging with her I felt like a fraud in a lot of way.  I think this was one of the wake-up calls I needed; I was tired of putting on a smiley face and faking it for everyone.  Plus, who did I think I was wasting my life when he didn’t have one to live anymore?  So I got my butt out of bed.

I called my EAP program at work and I got in touch with a counselor that I have been seeing.  I was very afraid of counseling for most of my life, but I knew something had to change.  I also tried to call a psychiatrist for an adjustment of my meds.  My PCP had put me on them originally, but I thought maybe a specialist would be more knowledgeable.  That was a big issue because not one of the psychiatrists had openings anytime soon, which made me sad for people in more desperate situations than my own.  So, I made an appointment with my PCP but that still took a couple weeks to get in.  It was a struggle to even get on the road to recovery, but it was worth it.

I am still on that road and I have ups and downs.  The one thing I find the hardest to deal with is the negative voice in my head.  It tries to tell me I am not worthy pretty much daily, but lately she is quieter.  I have anxiety that felt very overwhelming at one time, now it’s more of a dull roar.  In social settings it gets much louder for sure.  I have to remember to breathe, that I am valuable and that I am not the only person who gets nervous or afraid.  I used to avoid every outing so that I would feel more comfortable but then one thing my counselor has drilled into my head is that this journey might feel weird and uncomfortable at times, but it is worth it, it is my life.  I should be present for it. 

I am not there yet, but I am trying, and that is what matters the most.  If any one of you is having a hard time, please know I am here for you too.  I understand the weight that depression and anxiety bring.  We just can’t let it weigh us down so much that we cannot live our lives.  We are all worthy!  It is a rough road, but there are others who have felt this way and still do feel the same way everywhere.  I am here if you need me, and I know you are too.  That is what makes us all special, the journey with others who may be different on the outside, but inside we all feel and need each other because sometimes forget to care for ourselves.   We just need reminding. 

Until next time my lovelies!  <3