Hello my lovelies, I know I have been quiet for some time
now, and I apologize for my silence.
This post is not about fashion or the usual things I know we all
love. This is a post about my struggles
with depression and anxiety. Not so fun
topic, I know, but one that needs to be shared I think.
A few weeks ago, it felt like my world came crashing down
around me. I knew I was struggling for
some time but I ignored it and hoped it would just all get better from a good
night’s rest and maybe some retail therapy.
Plus, to be honest I didn’t recognize what was going on with me
either. It was like I was me, but in
black and white. I couldn’t seem to
escape it.
Then one day, after staying in bed for a few days, missing
work and not caring about anything, I finally tried to get myself some help. Had it not been for my amazing partner, my sister
and some very good friends (THANK YOU!) who kept at me and tried to get me to
see I mattered and I needed help, I do not know if I could have done it.
A support system is invaluable when you are feeling
worthless and scared. It is very hard to
believe in yourself when you think life would be better for those around you if
you weren’t there. It is a crushing
feeling, this depression. The thing is,
I didn’t realize it was just the depression talking until it was too late.
I lost a very dear friend of mine a little over a year ago, and
I shoved down the sadness, like I do with most of my feelings. One of the days that I was in bed my friend’s
sister contacted me and wanted to see if I would go to a remembrance party for
him on the anniversary of his death. I
pretended I was fine, even chatted with her and said I would attend. Once I was done messaging with her I felt
like a fraud in a lot of way. I think
this was one of the wake-up calls I needed; I was tired of putting on a smiley
face and faking it for everyone. Plus,
who did I think I was wasting my life when he didn’t have one to live
anymore? So I got my butt out of bed.
I called my EAP program at work and I got in touch with a counselor
that I have been seeing. I was very
afraid of counseling for most of my life, but I knew something had to
change. I also tried to call a
psychiatrist for an adjustment of my meds.
My PCP had put me on them originally, but I thought maybe a specialist
would be more knowledgeable. That was a
big issue because not one of the psychiatrists had openings anytime soon, which
made me sad for people in more desperate situations than my own. So, I made an appointment with my PCP but
that still took a couple weeks to get in.
It was a struggle to even get on the road to recovery, but it was worth
it.
I am still on that road and I have ups and downs. The one thing I find the hardest to deal with
is the negative voice in my head. It
tries to tell me I am not worthy pretty much daily, but lately she is
quieter. I have anxiety that felt very
overwhelming at one time, now it’s more of a dull roar. In social settings it gets much louder for
sure. I have to remember to breathe,
that I am valuable and that I am not the only person who gets nervous or
afraid. I used to avoid every outing so
that I would feel more comfortable but then one thing my counselor has drilled
into my head is that this journey might feel weird and uncomfortable at times,
but it is worth it, it is my life. I should
be present for it.
I am not there yet, but I am trying, and that is what
matters the most. If any one of you is
having a hard time, please know I am here for you too. I understand the weight that depression and
anxiety bring. We just can’t let it
weigh us down so much that we cannot live our lives. We are all worthy! It is a rough road, but there are others who
have felt this way and still do feel the same way everywhere. I am here if you need me, and I know you are
too. That is what makes us all special,
the journey with others who may be different on the outside, but inside we all
feel and need each other because sometimes forget to care for ourselves. We just need reminding.
Until next time my lovelies!
<3